Dramatis Personae

Major Characters

Johnny Zell

The hero of our story. A major player in the dangerous game of world politics. Counts several powerful and shadowy figures as allies and rivals. Known to wield laser pistols and wear rocket boots. Can often be found punching evil in the face.


World renowned chronodynamicist and wife of Johnny Zell, Kronnie is known for her numerous talents. These include (but are not limited to) getting captured, escaping at a critical moment, and shooting the bad guy when his back is turned. Spends her spare time reviewing the health of the Octagon Multiverse.

Captain Hazard

Respected scientist by day, airship flying world traveler by night.


Courageous and committed, E-Spleen is one of Johnny Zell's oldest allies, having joined his crusade against evil when Johnny Zell was only -0.3 years old. E-Spleen's role is an often overlooked but vital one, securing the fortress that is Johnny Zell's body against the constant terror of self-replicating mutated eating machines. It might not seem a lot, but E-Spleen does what he can to protect against the forces of oppression!
Notable foes: The common cold, Frozen Chicken, the 3rd horseman of the Apocalypse; Pestilence.

Barack Obama

President of the United States of America. Secretly controls an army of alien reptiles from an alternate reality. Known for his constant honest grin and good-natured outlook. Treats the populace well and gives them hope, while secretly stealing away their rights. Possibly an agent of Jomondo Guu, or some other unspeakable force.

Jomondo Guu, Astral Eater of the Pseudoplanets

Eldritch squamous Thing from beyond the galaxy. In ages past, Guu slunk down to Earth from the blackness behind the stars and pretended to build the Pyramids, the Nazca lines, Stonehenge, Atlantis, and clay figurines of itself in order to propagate a false, pseudobabble-ridden version of prehistory in line with its own nefarious ends. When all truth and empiricism is lost in a mire of crystal energy and astrological numerological telluric current touchy-feely bullshit, it will at last strike its final blow and descend to feed upon the noxious vapours of New Age spiritualism that pervades the planet's core.

It has done this to all intelligent life on approximately twenty other planets so far. Earth is proving more difficult than the rest, perhaps due to the heroic attempts of Johnny and others like him.

Evan Thorizon

Thrown into the universe of Johnny Zell when he accidentally discovered a pseudo-mystic portal beyond time, space, and existence, Evan finds himself drawn to the enigmatic hero Johnny Zell even though he always seems to fall on his face in Johnny's presence. The young dimension-hopper is prone to bouts of angst, irritating everyone else more than he usually does.

Recurring Minor Characters

Dresden Codak

Mysterious and powerful, the silent observer known as Dresden Codak has sworn an oath never to meddle in the affairs of the mortal realm. He is, luckily for our protagonists, not really known for keeping his promises.

Not yet appearing in this mythos


A secretive underground master, age unknown. Claims to know the most powerful martial arts from most of the world's major cultures. Has been sighted in several locations around the world, often simultaneously. Seems to appear only in flashbacks.

Frozen Chicken

This genetically-engineered super bird has an origin shrouded in mystery (except for those who have read the Scientific journal submission of the scientists who created it, but who can be bothered reading those things anyway?) but one thing is for certain-this avian enigma is one of E-Spleen's worst foes, the originator of the horrible Common Cold/Bird Flu mutation that once nearly brought Johnny Zell to the brink of coughing. Now, this fowl feathered fiend has found some friends, and is furiously looking for revenge!

What do you mean I'm annoying? There's nothing wrong with my alliteration!

Horizon, Walker Between Worlds

Another trans-dimensional traveler who always wears black pseudo-mystic powered armor and wields gauntlet electron guns, Horizon has never revealed his face to anyone but the famed Johnny Zell. Horizon's goals are mysterious and difficult to fathom since he is capable of leaping to any when or where he desires.

Master Mind

The only consistent alias known for the Devious Plot Salesman, who, at an early age, realized it was incredibly more profitable and less stressful to sell plans to take over the world than to bother doing it himself. His only known relatives are clones of himself through which he has opened up competing stores most anywhere that matters to sell counter plans to would-be heroes and allow the Devious Plot market to thrive. He accepts payment either in cash, stock options, or objects that shouldn't exist.

Haltz Aeon

The closest to personal contact with Haltz Aeon you can get, is through your own AeonCorp radio. Haltz is a master of the underground. Literally. Living in a world-spanning cave system with his uncountable blind minions and steam machines, he makes a hefty profit from selling support fire to the highest bidder. Also to everyone else. It is not uncommon for entire battlefields to be leveld by Aeontillery, as both commanders call out to Haltz Aeon in their radios. Haltz also has expressed no strict preference towards heroes nor villains. Rumors do exist of a secret research program in the deeper tunnels that could doom us all, but Haltz dissmisses these as purely ignorant superstition befitting of medieval wives.

Lord Enrique, God of Nothing

Once a happy, careless, naive youth, he was seduced by the promises of Jomondo Guu and lead down the dark, sinister path of illogical, new-age, and pseudo-scientific thinking. Jumping between beliefs that defied common sense and at times even contradicted themselves, his already frail mind cracked and splintered until he was reduced to a babbling, ragged little creature, crawling along the dust on all fours, unable to decide what to believe in and weighed down by the various trinkets and amulets his stints in cults had provided him. Dissolutioned by his beliefs in anything, he soon began to believe in Nothing. In the madness brought on by this revelation, he burned off his own face, and replaced it with a paper-machete mask dug out of a dumpster behind a Japanese restaurant. Rather than help his servant, Jomondo Guu merely mocked him, calling him, "Lord Enrique, God of Nothing" before casting him out into the cruel world. Blind, insane, and opinioinless, he crawls through the darker corners of the world, waiting in the shadows.

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