The Moth Wars

The Moth Lands, site of many an epic spawning of the vicious Dance Dance Revolutionaries. Know widely for their phat moves and strange clothing, these otherwise hostile tea drinking rebels would soon sleep and dream of peaceful suburban malls. However, mysterious strangers conspired to bring their cotton garments of turtle fur to the laundromat for the price of a mere six dollars, sadly the exchange rate between Altairian dollars and Malaysian ringgits was quite rubbish. This infuriated the ornery locksmith who conspired with others to unleash a raging horde of clockwork bats. The Strangers, in retaliation, whipped out their enormous, genetically engineered Jello squirrels.

The Revolutionaries mounted moths with coin slots that only accept credit cards, so were quite frustrated at the God of cheesy arcade rides. They then unmounted their steeds, hotwired their moths, and slipped, quietly, into the amazingly intense updraft leading to Southern Indiana. Unfortunately, there were no visible Jello squirrels, only more commas.

In Southern Indiana, the amazing sight of corn fields attacking the populace were overshadowed by a tidal wave apparently coming from west of the old shoe factory. People braced themselves, crying for Phil Collins as he led the moth riders to the battlefield. The Strangers rose up against the Oscar winning Halle Barry astride her pet tsunami, tentatively named "Widowmaker". None knew why Berry had sided with the ornery, yet lovable, hobo whom mortals call "Michael Caine". Needless to say, she offered no challenge to the Strangers. Puppies however did; because the cloning process necessitated a severe fear of cute puppies with waggly tails and adorable death ray eyes.

A decision was made to summon the Jello squirrels, these massive monsters, and their master, clad in dark slacks and a dashing red cloak, purple running shoes, and a wild Ugandan tie-snake tie. The ensemble was extremely sinister. They had picked this equipment to enhance their eyesight and reflexes. The Master's voice cracked as it breathed fire extinguishers over the cute puppies, who tried to use flaming hot cuteness exuberantly! But it would all prove moot as Phil Mickelson initiated a hat-trick to win the pinochle tournament of phantsmagoric stupefication through big words and tiny bikinis. Capitalizing on their immunity to stabbing the squirrels charged up their capacitors and began to profit off of the Dance Dance Demolition crews using the other white meat. Things were looking bad for Kevin Spacey, but news reached Portland Bill, the sailor/costume designer that moonlighted as a famous ostrich farmer had apparently exploded into thousands of indistinguishable pieces of ice.

The locksmith's clockwork bats suddenly merged together forming a large sonorous Bat Bat Laundromat, open only to Tiger Woods and his loyal mutt. "Call me Ishmael-bot," the Bat Bat cackled. Phil Collins proceeded to hypnotize legions of bulbous malignant growths on the clockwork leviathan's bloated right arm infuriating wild ghost monkeys. The corn fields grew enthusiastically into moth balls containing poisonous music. This music was intoxicating to rhinos wear pink frilly, or RWPF. It was the rhythmic clenching butt cheeks of various cetaceans that ultimately caused the Strangers to withdraw their Jello drill monsters and dance like crazy blues musicians with fire for shoes, or "Flame Soles." Ironically the Ice Capades were scheduled to do Riverdance by the fireside. Woods' mutt used to be incredulous about the Capades until Raro superceded Michael Caine as a British intellectual in residence. Now and again, Cher would broadcast mind numbing pop singles directly into the impartial minds of the riders who delivered fragments of broken robot brains to their unbathed mortal enemies. Somebody once said that Sonny and Cher are explosive fellows with incredibly huge lit powder kegs of sensual salvation. Following hypocrisy's inversion theorem, one cannot walk into Mordor with hair on, only bald people; making better trolls for the Moth Land's inhabitants and despising bad punctuation. Puppies and Jell-O rations could feed the ever-ravenous moth riders strength.

Darkness fell upon the arch-revolutionaries, their puerile tactics amounting to little hope. Thankfully, there was a tiny Carl Jung to bring salvation by informing Dresden Codak of the impending storm, except not really. He had lied about the moths and everything else, luring our hero into a nefarious CRAZY DEMON TRAP!!!!!! The demons consisted of little more than tissue cloned dwarfs inside eggs of hideous seamonsters, all named "Frank." Meanwhile, we find our dancing revolutionaries excitably playing dance-dance-revolution to Richard Simmons' army of potatoe-spores, while also commandeering the helm of a thousand bumblebees in a miraculous exercise of skill.

There was never such an unshakable feeling of dread as when the final showdown commenced. A call to the local plumber would reveal certain information about a conspiracy of immortal teddybears. Though the Strangers knew about this imminent threat, it was not the first time they had faced the teddybears of Henry Clay, and they were aware of the weakness residing in its eerily widening smile: namely, explosive teeth. They aimed their not entirely solid wheel of cheese fritters at the cubs' combustible canines, realizing too late that the bears had summoned their maker, Henry Clay, by means of a tribal dancing competition. Phil Collins was Henry's estranged and previously housebroken pet chinchilla who once swam the plumber's daughter in a crate of oddly constructed sentences. His arrival, therefore, (…)

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