Meta Ad Infinitum:
Johnny Zell vs. The Troublesome Totalitarian Twins
Johnny Zell emerged triumphantly from the armored car, another successful blow against Big Biz. This one had been particularly elusive, managing to elude him for almost two hours. He was going to have to apologize to Kronnie for missing their dinner date. Suddenly from the shadows Johnny caught a glimpse of something moving in a near by alley way. Johnny moved in closer to see what it was. A ticking noise. Johnny dived for cover. As if from no where mechanical spiders lunged at him. Without a moments hesitation Johnny drew his trusty laser pistols, Freedom Fire and Hope Lightning. In moments there were explosions scattered across the sky. As the last spider landed on the ground Johnny delivered a powerful kick sending it back into the alley it came from.
"Gyah!" a thickly accented voice came out from the darkness, "Be Karful vere hyu ist kickin zose monstrozitiez!" Johnny Zell aimed his laser pistols at the source of the voice, "Who are you?" "Ist ov leetle importancez, Herr Zell" The voice came out, "Vat matterz ist zat only vun ov us ist leavin alive."
The cloaked man lunged head first at Johnny from the ally. Followed by two others. "Big mistake!" Johnny smirked, shooting Freedom Fire right at their leader's head.
"Yaaaargh" The leader of the cloaked men shouted as he held his hands over his eyes, revealing his sharpened teeth… "You demanded a fight to the death," Johnny said as he blasted the other two with, "My heroic code of honour no longer demands that I restrain myself."
"Ist ze light" One of them shouted, still blinded on the ground, "Ve haf done our vork, retreat!" Suddenly the three disappeared into poofs of smoke and bats emerged.
"Vampires," Johnny said aloud to himself before looking at the clothes
they left behind, "…Nazi Vampires."
Johnny returned to his pirate headquarters, Liberty Base, to find it completely empty. He hurried to Kronnie's room. Inside a frame he found a note:
It looks like there are robots and vampires, judging by insignia they
are probably National Socialists. They have a rocket outside, I doubt
though they could get out of orbit with it. They are demanding that I
come with them or will get me themselves along with our comrades. The
others will look for you as soon as they leave.
P.S. Dinner date will probably have to be postponed.//
"Those dastardly fascists!" Johnny shouted, "Now where am I going to get transportation to outer space!?"
Johnny stood in the halls for a moment pondering, leaning up against the wall. He felt Feisty Flame pressing into his back from its hidden compartment. "DC! Of course!" He exclaimed as he drew the gun from its compartment, "But how can I contact him…?" Absent mindedly Johnny opened up the compartment and out slipped a note.
For rematch, call number on the other side of this note
Johnny flipped the page and surely enough on the other side the number was listed. Johnny rushed to the phone and punched in the number. The phone rang on the other end.
"Hello, this is DC leave a message after the tone."
The messaging machine. No luck.
"Dammit" Johnny said just as he was about to hang up the phone. "Hello?" The voice came through from the other side more clearly.
"DC? This is Johnny. I need you help."
"Johnny Zell? Help you? You do realize what you've done, don't you?"
"Look, I'm sorry about the hat. I thought it-"
"It's a massive turf war. The big four may not have been the nicest
guys but they kept the balance of power. And you just send their strongest member into hiding."
"Yeah, well I just got caught in it."
"Congratulations. If that's all, the batteries in my hat phone are running low and I've got other things to-"
"First, I know as well as you do you action hat is not battery
powered. And more importantly, listen; Nazis took Kronnie to the moon.
I don't need anything more than transportation."
"Nazis?” the voice on the other side sighed, "Fine. I'll see what I can do for you."
"There goes plan A" Johnny sighed, "What does that leave for plan B?"
Suddenly a black circle opened up in wall beside him. Johnny smiled at
the pleasant surprise before stepping in.
DC was sitting there waiting for him. The rest of the area was hard to describe, there were twisted ruins golems everywhere in the massive fields.
"This is a universe on the edge of reality. Transportation is easier here. Just walk back through the same portal. Keep in mind; I'm not doing this for you."
"Will do.' Johnny replied with a smile before returning into the portal.
Next thing he knew he was on some sort of retro-future building.
"Johnny!" Kronnie's voice rung out of a dreary cell. Johnny rushed
"Not so fast, Herr Zell" two childish voices said in perfect monotone
chorus, "We will not let you free her so easily"
Johnny turned around and found a pair of twins in matching suits hovering above him by use of jet pack. Between them there was what
looked like a brain in a vat hovering through use of its own jet pack.
"Release Kronnie! It's me you want." Johnny shouted at them.
"So self-centered Herr Zell, but we fear you are incorrect. While you may have interrupted a few minor activities, you are of little interest. You see Kronnie's skills will be instrumental in reconstructing the Reich as the Fuhrer's brain here."
"Reconstructing the Reich? Never seen that tried before. Now tell me
who our are!"
"This base was constructed by the Luftwaffe when it became apparent we were losing ground to the Soviets. The Fuhrer had a body double fake his dead then retreated here."
The twins broke their chorus for a moment, the right one spoke, "I am
Strasbourg Stein, I designed the Robots that are about to kill you" the left one followed shortly after, "I am Brussels Bruno, the creator of the magnificent creatures that will soon feast upon your flesh.”
“As for the comment on our creativity Herr Zell, you will find that we have been more successful than you may have suspected on first glance. Look for your self.”
The twins pointed at the wall in unison, Johnny looked at the swastikas that littered them. They were not the standard Nazi emblem, something was different. The field of Red had been replaced with blue, and each swastika was now surrounded by thirteen stars.
“I should have known!” shouted Johnny Zell as the two doors opened releasing a massive assortment of Robots and Mythological Creatures, “You may have taken Europe but I’ll never let you have Kronnie!”
Outnumbered and outgunned with no cover, Johnny Zell knew that rescuing Kronnie took priority over all else. He fired off both laser pistols as he ran towards the cell. Thinking quickly, he kicked a bar and shouted “Freedom Rockets! Activate!” the flames from his right shoe melted the bar instantly while the rocket on his left launched him upwards. Enough of the bar was melted to give Kronnie a way through but they were still surrounded. Johnny handed Kronnie the Feisty Flame and the two began firing in at the hoard, using the chassis of the larger fallen Robots for cover, but they needed a distraction. A mechanical spider lunged over the cover at them. “Perfect” Johnny thought, He grabbed the spider and lunged it just as it was about to explode.
He landed a direct hit on the jar knocking it out of the sky. “The Fuhrer’s brain must be preserved!” The twins shouted in chorus as the rushed towards it on their jet packs “Defensive Positions! Project the brain at all costs! You may walk away this time, Herr Zell, but our next encounter will prove decisive.”
Johnny was tempted to end it once and for all by going after the brain, but Kronnie held him back. They both knew that there was little chance of success let alone survival if he attacked now. The Twins were right, they could settle this later.
Johnny and Kronnie rushed towards the hanger, it seemed most of the guards had retreated to wherever they had taken the Fuhrer’s brain, and what remained behind provided little resistance. After a brief “chat” with one of the guards, they grabbed the first workable rocket they saw, the V134 and punched in the access codes, opening the hanger’s gate.
“This encounter may have ended in a stalemate, but next time…” Johnny said as he took off in the rocket, “Freedom will triumph.”
The morning sun shined its first rays on Johnny Zell's home - or rather, on the mountain containing his secret base, the Freedom Fortress. Sitting in his Freedom Kitchen reading his morning blogs (Johnny Zell didn't trust the mainstream media of the Man) over a cup of tea, Johnny Zell felt at ease. The world was still a place of oppression and unreasonable copyright laws and there were still many evil villains in need of asskicking, but he had finally managed to settle down somewhat with his beautiful and competent (yet frail and easily captured) wife Kronnie and his teenage daughter Ellie, who combined her mother's beauty with her father's fighting spirit. In a few years he would be able to pass on some of the responsibility of fighting evil in all its forms to his offspring… but he was still needed and his daughter was still in need of training. Perhaps…
Johnny's thoughts were interrupted by his daughter's shouting.
Johnny stood up from his chair with the power and grace of an puma who refused to be oppressed, drawing forth his ray guns Freedom Fire and Hope Lightning from his pink bathrobe. "I'm coming, Ellie!"
A few unfettered leaps and a kicked-in door later, Johnny stood in his daughter's room with his ray guns still drawn.
"Where is the trouble? Was it oppressing you? Did you shoot it? Do you want me to shoot it?" he said, the flame of his spirit burning in his eyes.
"Dad, did you really have to kick in my door again? It wasn't even locked." Ellie said, the annoyance in her eyes almost as obvious as her father's fiery spirit.
"There was no time for fiddling around with doorknobs! The power of freedom will not slow down to operate simple mechanisms!" Johnny explained, still looking around for something oppressive to shoot.
"Right, right. Anyway, I don't think you can just shoot this problem. Look here!" Ellie pointed at her computer screen, where the window of a BitTorrent client could be seen. "Do you see what I see?"
"Gasp and gasp again! No-one is seeding your pornography!" Johnny said, his voice full of incredulity. Everyone knew the Internet was full of people who truly believed that sharing was caring, how could this be the case?
"Exactly! And it's not only the porn! Nobody is seeding anything anymore! Nobody!" Ellie exclaimed.
"An entire population overflowing with a willingness to participate in a culture of sharing and freedom suddenly turns miserly? This potentially perilous penuriousness can only come from one source!"
"Do you mean…"
"But let us not jump to conclusions! To the Freedom Computer!" Johhny pointed dramatically at the roof.
"Dad, I have my computer right here." Ellie gestured towards the computer that had just failed to give her porn.
"Oh, of course. Open up the open source oppression-locating program! My network of evil-detecting sensors around the world should have noticed something."
After they had both looked on the world map that appeared on screen for a few minutes, they were certain that Johnny's suspicion had indeed been correct.
With a furrowed brow, Ellie started: "No doubt about it. Strong hate-waves are coming from this satellite, causing people around the world to become uncharitable and stingy. And the satellite is owned by…"
"… one of the Four, the leaders of the oppressive conspiracy known as the Man… Big Biz, the secret master of all evil corporations!" Johnny finished.
"So… does this mean I get to go into space? We are smashing that satellite, right?" Ellie said with a hopeful voice. It had been months since she had a good excuse to use the family spaceship her mother had built.
"Young lady," Johnny said with a suddenly stern voice, "do I have to remind you that you aren't allowed to use the Freedom Falcon until you have learned to be more stealthy? Last time I lent you the keys you ended up being tailed by Flying Fascist Rodent Saucers! Your mother and I had to gas Nazi rats crawling through the plumbing for weeks!"
"Yeah, but it gave mom a good excuse to use her new Irony Detector, right?" Ellie said, trying her best to look innocent. "Pleeease? I've trained lots and become a much better pilot, I promise!"
"I don't know…" Johnny stroked his chin. "Ask you mother."
"Yay! Victory!" Ellie giggled and ran out of the room towards her parents bedroom, where Kronnie most likely still slept undisturbed by her family's planned heroics. While there were many differences between Ellie and her father, he could still see that in her burned the fire that could create reality out of hope and destroy evil with pure will. She would make a fine champion of freedom.
"Well… I guess I had better get out of this bathrobe and into my space clothes!" Johnny said to himself, running towards the Freedom Hangar.
Meanwhile… in Johnny's and Kronnie's Freedom Bedroom: "Moom, come ooon!"
"Honey, I just woke up and I haven't had my coffee yet, could you please refrain from activating demanding daughter-mode until I feel ready to open my eyes?" Kronnie could be heard mumbling through the pillow she held over her face. She had never been a morning person.
"But if you just say 'yes' I promise I'll go and get you a cup of coffee! Pleeease?" Ellie said while bending over her mother.
"I don't know… ask your father." was mumbled.
Ellie rolled her eyes. "I'm gonna go put on my space clothes and go into space, jump out of bed and yell 'no' to disagree!"
"Thanks mom! Bye!" Ellie's smile beamed as she skipped out of the room, leaving her mother to smile quietly at her daughter's inability to ever accept defeat.
In the Freedom Hangar, Johnny was preparing the Freedom Falcon for its journey into Low Earth Orbit. Johnny hadn't used it since his last battle against the Teleporting Totalitarianism Twins, Brussels Bruno and Strasbourg Stein, and while he was eager to destroy evil in space, Johnny had to make sure the twins hadn't used their Hegemony technology to mess up any of the ship's systems. He wished Kronnie could help him since aerospace engineering was one of her area of expertise, but he could never bring himself to wake her up when she was asleep with that cute sleeping face of hers.
"Dad, I'm ready!" Ellie said, walking into the hangar chewing on some toast.
"So mom gave you her permission to come with me?" Johnny asked, not looking up from his beeping General Diagnostics Thingy.
"Well, kind of. And dad?" Ellie asked with a skeptical look on her face, "Are you really gonna wear that?"
"What are you talking about? These are my space clothes!" Johnny said, looking up when he was content with the amount of beeps coming from the GDT.
"It's a man-corset, dad." Ellie said, her skeptical look remaining on her face.
"Something can be both a man-corset and space clothes! No contradiction at all!" Johnny defended himself.
"But it's all skimpy and black and latex-y! And your nipples are showing!" Ellie continued.
"No they aren't! They are protected by my flowing Lady Godiva-hair!" Johnny explained while puffing up his chest. "And your clothes aren't exactly modest either, miss Skintight-Catsuit-For-No-Good-Reason! Are you going to star in a Joel Schumacher movie or something?" Johnny teased.
"Nuh-uh. See? No plastic nipples." Ellie said, smiling a bit when it became obvious her dad was kidding around.
"Plastic nipples? Heh. That reminds me of this outfit your mother wore back in…"
"Okay, that'll be enough of that." said a blushing Kronnie, who walked into the hangar with a coffee cup in one hand and her toolbox in the other.
"Good morning, honey!" Johnny exclaimed, trying to restrain himself from grinning too much. "Me and Ellie are going to fly into space, destroy a likely heavily armed tool of tyrannous corporate greed, most likely kill a bunch of faceless goons and survive a poorly thought-out trap of some sort. We'll try to be home in time for lunch."
"'k. Don't you want me to do those adjustments to the ray cannon we talked about first?" Kronnie asked, still sounding sleepy.
"There's no time! This very moment, there are millions of people around the world affected by an inhuman stinginess that has crippled the culture of free information and sharing I have fought to defend for decades! True heroes must act first, tweak their weapons of mass liberation later!" Johnny explained, pointing dramatically in the general direction of Big Biz's satellite. "Daughter! To me! Another journey begins, another battle is waiting, another victory must be ours before lunch!"
"Like, I have a name." Ellie sighed, climbing into the cockpit after her dad.
Kronnie smiled a peaceful smile as she waved her husband and daughter off, knowing they would come back with more stories of action and adventure. She, on the other hand, had many boring chores ahead of her: Feeding the magnetic alligator from the Genghis 4-dimension, reprogramming the time-warping microwave oven, giving the automated laser cannon defense system instructions in accordance to this week's estimated threat levels - a woman's work was never done.
"Maybe I could sleep another hour." she said, finishing her sentence with a yawn.